Tuesday, February 2, 2016

What a difference a year makes on Groundhog Day

Almost exactly one year ago, I posted here that I was pregnant.

This blog has seen quite a bit of adventure - a partial molar pregnancy, Asherman's Syndrome, recurrent loss, a near miss with balanced translocation, MTHFR, a TFMR... now, after many months of not getting pregnant the old fashioned way, I can add plain old age-related infertility to the mix too.

It's a weird feeling, facing down the loss of your fertility in the wake of the many many rings you wear on your right hand.  I was telling my therapist a few weeks ago, that not being pregnant for these many moons has actually made this all, strangely... easier.

The endless of cycle of pregnancy and loss (not to mention the ups and downs of tons of HCG in my system) has compounded the trauma of these individual events.  It's a lot of emotional whiplash to be pregnant and then not  - over and over and over and over AND OVER again.  Or, as I like to point out, to experience 53 weeks of pregnancy in a 3 year time frame, without ever bringing home a baby.

So on this Groundhog Day, I am way less heavy-hearted than I thought I might be about this post.  I have been not pregnant for a year (ok, if you want to get technical about it, I haven't had a positive pregancy test in a year, the real one year mark comes in 4 weeks, since that's when my last baby died). 

But honestly guys, I now appear to be a normal woman in her forties, who doesn't get pregnant all that easily, and frankly, doesn't expect to get pregnant again.  And as sad as it is to hang this quest up, there is something calming about the new normal.

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