Happily Ever After (HEA). The phrase that conjure fairy tales and romance novels (my personal brand of crack). My readers know that for many moons, my definition of the phrase would likely be a picture of me, holding a newborn baby in my arms. In my minds eye, the picture includes Niblet looking on in wonder.
Three years of losses and setbacks are forcing me to step back. "Happily Ever After" - an unhealthy trope to begin with - is downright toxic if I connect it to my fertility. I need to revisit what good ending to this story is.
What will the new picture look like? Fuck if I know. Niblet's happiness and health, along with my husband's were already a given in our HEA. As I have noted many times, we have much to be thankful for already. But for so many years I held on to great hope that with a little luck and medical intervention, I could beat the odds. That I would ultimately end up with a baby in my arms. Now that I am trying to let go, I feel a little lost. I mean, I can strive to improve upon my health so that I remain on this earth for my only daughter for as long as possible. But is that it? It feels odd seeking to just continue to exist. One of the traps of infertility, I think, is that it is all so bench-marked and goal-oriented, even more so for us complicated cases. Almost mathematical.
(Doctors) + (Surgeries) + (Take drugs) + (Hope for miracles) = (Baby).
It's a weird place to sit in, hoping for miracles without investing in the outcome of the equation.
Maybe it is something like: (take supplements) + (hope for miracles) = (healthier existence).