These past few weeks of reprieve have been good for me. My supplement cocktail is in full swing (I carry a pill sorter and it's kind of embarrassing to admit that they don't all fit in there). I have my gluten/sugar/processed-free meals sorted out. I got a massage. I am doing my nails and looking forward to a hair cut. I am getting pretty fit and boosting my zumba class offerings this summer. We're not timing intercourse, so with that stress out of the equation my marriage is in a pretty happy place now too.
But it's with this increased mental and physical health that I am able to look at some of my daily activities with a keener eye. Today I developed some insights onto my support board habits on Babycenter.com. Namely, I have an actual habit, and it's not necessarily a healthy one for me at this time. Because sometimes the discussion threads themselves end up functioning as "triggers" to my sanity. When I read women lamenting that they are 35 and "I am so old, time is running out" well, yeah, that's kind of hard to read when you're 40. Or the fears often posted that "my children will so far apart in age" threads I see. Yeah, those can cause some shitty feelings to stir up inside of me too. Because, well, I can't do anything the fuck about the fact that if I am ever lucky enough to carry a healthy baby into this world, Niblet will be at least 6 years old.
Part of the problem is that I'm on Too. Many. Boards. From "Molar and Partial Molar Pregnancy Support," to "Recurrent Miscarriage Support," to the newly added MTHFR support (and these aren't even half of them).... the sheer volume of them sort of makes me feel a little freakish, just logging on.
And then I realize that for all of the connectivity that the support boards offer to these clubs that one wants to belong to, the fact remains that we all come from such different places, with different expectations for our lives and happiness. And that's absolutely okay. We are connected by loss, we're not frequenting the boards to have conversations with ourselves. The boards have been critical to my survival. I mean, where else can I safely express my fears of seeing pregnant women or newborns without receiving judgment? Add to that, so many of the women have become my friends and deepest confidantes. We cheer each other on, we are virtual shoulders to cry on.
But I am also seeing how I need to step back a bit, in the same way that I am easing back on my mission driven, scientifically precise reproductive habits this summer. The boards have been something of a lifestyle choice for me for over two years. Just as I've done with sugar and gluten, I need to kick the habit. I am probably going to approach it the way I've done caffeine. Drink much much less. So, I will lurk a little, I will check in on friends, I will offer an insight or two if there's a matter that I have unique expertise on (e.g. diagnosis and treatment of Asherman's). But in terms of the amount of time I devote, it will probably look like a hiatus.