desperation

Last week I had a colonoscopy and aside from the fasting and prepping of my colon, it was the most relaxation I've had in months. A bag of fluids and then sedation? Sign me up for more, please.

This month shit is heavy. October. Celine. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Debt.

That last one is hitting me hard. I no longer have the expense of a nanny, we are in a much more affordable stage of nursery school. But:

I am now trying to pull myself out of a double-digit hole of credit card debt (employing a nanny with benefits and paying for everything else by credit card has caught up to me). It's slow-going, if my car breaks down again I'm completely fucked. 

Just breathe. We will be ok.

What feels unsustainable on the other hand, is the new sleep method I've had to employ on S these past few months. Singing to her until she goes down, lying on the floor waiting to hear her heavy breathing... it's a long night.  Niblet really was one of those babies that we perfected the "leave the room and shut the door when they're drowsy but not completely asleep" advice of sleep trainers.  

I'm so fucking tired. I'm so unhinged by the precipitous drop in estrogen surging through my body. I get irrationally angry and cry with little provocation.

Mothering a tween and a toddler while perimenopausal is not for the faint of heart.

Mothering In the Menopause

One day I’m gonna emerge from the pit I’m in to tell the tale of mothering a toddler and pubescent tween while in the midst of perimenopausal depressive episodes. 

Today is not that day. I’m on five hours of sleep, just wept for 45 minutes and have to erase my Google searches because I know my kid will find them and freak the fuck out, as one might when the encounter the word suicide. 

(I am not suicidal. I have had fleeting thoughts of imploding off the earth which my Google search validated as pretty normal in my current hormonal state)  

Golly, do I miss Princess. She would have totally understood.

All of this is to say that I need to take a melatonin and melt into sleep.