Ahhhh, if I had a nickel for every comment on how my Valkyrie child doesn’t resemble me. I am crazy grateful for the fact that Niblet doesn’t either. She herself said it last night, “wow mom, I look a little like you but Sammi doesn’t At. All.” Oh kid. Just you wait.
Today I went to my PCP for the first time in ages. I’m overdue for a mammogram but I can’t get one because my baby won’t wean. I mean, I’m flattered, but it caused me no small amount of anxiety. Luckily my dr felt me up and decided that my risks were low because there’s no breast cancer in my family, breast feeding lowers risks, and I should just hang tight until we’re fully done with weaning.
I’m waiting on A1C results now too. God I truly hope I’m not back to being prediabetic. I was eating like a horse when I nursed 10x a day, but now, with just two nursing sessions and one pump a day, I’ve gotta get my act together. I haven’t been exercising and it’s not a good look.
Samantha is a surreal baby in so many ways. You’ve gotta trust me when I say that she is insanely fucking cute. Like, smiles at people in the shopping cart and makes angry underpaid Wholefoods workers smile.
But The vestiges of loss appear in ways that blindside me constantly. Like, I sometimes have terrible fears that she or her sister will develop a horrible illness. Or that my husband will die. Or that I maybe have breast cancer because my slacker boob that doesn’t produce much milk which Sammy rejected entirely is actually diseased. I know this isn’t rational. But it goes to show that. It isn’t always kittens and parties in my brain, unfortunately.
I ran into my therapist in the supermarket, on a day where Sammi and I were both glowing with maternal baby joy. It was a rainy Sunday and we were just happy to get out of the house together. My therapist asked how I was doing and I said really well. This wasn’t a lie. I AM doing really well. But that also comes with me waiting for the bottom to fall out from under me.
Does everyone live like this?
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ReplyDeleteYes everyone feels like this. Probably before Kuiper, i still had poopy days.
ReplyDeleteMy rainbow is the sweetest baby too...blind sidingly happy kid. All over body smiles, snuggles and hellos. Embrace the happy.
I dint worry about dead Bunny or kids, but at times its hard to fully enbrace just how awesome things are.
Woogie looks like me but brown hair and eyes like Bunny.
Squeek looks like me but is 100% Bunny.
Qubert looks like Disney princess version of Squeak... but nobody really likes alike...and who fucking cares! They love each other. My eggs vs someone else's else? They love each other and we love them. You can differentiate why non egg girl is precious... but my egg bunch is probably more irritating and i just blame any not so great issues on mai Bunneh! They are beyond wonderful even when i say calmly: it is always a bad idea to eat any random object you find on your penis.
We love em. We set em free. We hope they come back for laundry and Thanksgiving :) its all good!
Oh and i get mammograms while boobing my kids. I got one in December and that was with her as Sept birth.
ReplyDeleteWith Woogie i did it while he was ynder a year and just pumped and boobed before the exam.
I went to the radiologist approved by my insurance as a self-referral and they denied me. Their policy was no mammograms until 3 months-post nursing. I even spoke to a manager because I started panicking. Oh well. I have no desire to completely wean right now so I'm going to have to try to shut my brain down.
ReplyDeleteYour brood cracks me up. When I set Niblet free I'm pretty sure she'll come back for the food.
I don't know about everyone, but I sure live like that. I admit to super charged anxiety, but I think the "normal people" (liars) feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteGlad you're mostly happy!